when it isn't like it should be.

My dream of heaven is always the same.
The cursing and the unhinged drinking I thought for sure would keep me firmly rooted below,but there I was,WEIGHTLESS,but not.
A sense of OVERWHELMING peace washed over my face it was as if the world had become my soul mate.
I feel the chill.
My heart slams awake.
I NEED him.
like i need medicine to give me the will to rise into the uncertainties of another dragged on day.
There was no guarantees I'd be coming back feeling alive.
"Ellie there's No way you should be walking.",
somehow in that stupor of cheep vodka I was STILL walking towards him.
He felt so fucking unreachable.
He had been for too long now,I knew this,but I dragged on,
No matter how much I lost,how much I cried.
The charred fist that is now my liver is vindication of how much i tried to forget.
I would walk on in the dark.
The puddle soaking in through my shoe was letting me know EXACTLY where I was.
"FUCK.",
Drop to my knees.
"What the fuck did you do to me!",
Man, I could've cried til' my lungs collapsed,
"Let me push this gravel into my knee deeper...."
I wanted to feel.
I needed to feel.
"ellie!"
I keep walking.
Oh, Lord if I could reach out and show you how this truly felt.
"I love him.",seeped from my lips like fucking word vomit......
I could choke on those same 3 words a million times and not learn my Gawd damn lesson.
My journal is blood in ink.
My blood is ink.
My heart is stone.

should I inject you in my veins?
would it be easier that way?
maybe then you'd stay.

wreckage.

The only problem is, that to grasp that opportunity, you sacrifice everything in the process. PROGRESS NOWHERE. Now I am that over nourished drone wasp cut off from the queen and lost in a land of spiders. These spiders fend for themselves, and i just might lose my life because of it. I can already feel my guts being liquefied. STOP THINKING THIS WAY. I will become a spider. I will become the destroyer. The queen has abandoned me, so i will become her enemy. I will tear down every statue of her, wreck every piece of her property. I will cripple her idolaters. CLARITY IS A WONDERFUL THING.

So take that, sir, for you clearly are the true revolutionary, and shove it up your ass.

I die having sunk lower, laughed harder, and fucked better than you ever could have.

I wasn't surrounding myself with Pseudo Guevara ideals.

I was living.

I was living.

I was living.

double N

I've got a secret(it's got you spilled all over it) it was on my tongue but I let it slither down to the very back of my lungs. My mind is a collection of angry monologues,broken blood vessels, and useless comebacks. I'm in a doldrum state, I'm stuck. CONFINED. to my own mind I have nothing to offer.. you besides my own headaches and confusion its hard to say what satisfies a person,but damn you feel close... As sick as I sound.. (and you better believe I am) I want you to stay as lonely as I stay cuz "I want you" is just too short.. of what I'm feeling Something I see in you makes my head blur,makes my heart stir,you leave me immobilized. life and love should come hand in hand right..? then why does love insist on being less diligent. I NEVER. said "out of your league" was going to keep me out of the ball park.I feel myself deserving of a fresh start. HELL OR GLORY. there is never an inbetween.

but chances are you'll leave me immobilized at best.

these feelings usually wear off by now.
huh.
have to see the doctor about that, i believe?

good luck glory.