:)

I hope you like your pictures based && douced.

2009-04-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

I love you's send people to early graves.
I think its kinda funny how Im so anchored to you.
goes to show pain isnt so relative.

"Get the fuck up." The cold floor is too much of a shock. God damnit. I’m opening my eyes and already I’m getting that panic feeling. He’s not there.
Hasn’t been for quite some time now.
So much for satisfaction. I blame you for this. All this fucking numb.
I ripped out my guts yesterday,didn't hurt they were empty anyway.
same as yesterday.
I tried, God, i fucking tried. I spawned, I loved.
You asked no more from me, i thought, but i thought what you gave me to make me happy was going to stay. You snapped your almighty fingers and took it away. All that time devoted. FUCKING ERASED. DELETED
SEE: MEANING OF EMPTY.
Tell me in bated breathe what makes you so damn "special".
A fondness of aspirin has begun. Anything that burns, really.
Give me pain,a couple of those && you begin to feel like you've drunk hot wax.
I don’t want to remember.
"I am drinking this && I am fucking her"
Congratulations! THIS is your doctrine now.
Is this what satisfies a man?
Carnal pleasures or is it really product of an empty heart.
I find it somewhat sad that you wouldnt know a good thing If it came up behind you && slit your throat.

like finding a new best friend.

2009-04-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

Here is a passage from an article from an interview with Julian.
Julian is listening to music and smoking a cigarette. “What did you want to be,” he asks me, “when you were a kid?”“This?” I say with a shrug. “What about you?”“I just wanted to write music that could touch people,” he says. “A songwriter — you play a few chords and sing a melody that’s been done a thousand times, and now you’re a singer-songwriter. I think it takes a little more than that to do something that matters. And I wish I could write a song where all the parts work. When you hear a song like that, it’s like finding a new friend. Maybe you’ve been fucking alone and looking for someone, and when you find them, it’s like everything seems better. I feel like sometimes great artists — it won’t politically affect anything, but it can make a crack in the ceiling and you can see a bit of light. You don’t know what’s gonna come, but you try. I think eighty-five percent of the fun is just going for it. And not going for it for your own gratification, but making personal sacrifices to do it right.” Suddenly self-conscious about having waxed philosophical, HE LOOKS ME IN THE EYES AND LAUGHS,”OR NOT”:)

Impartial

2009-03-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to start this.
Im trying to find translation
I see simply a sillouhette of who i used to be.
No sign of what I want to be.
Or justification for what I am not.
"Car ride,where?
home?
HELL!,why not"
this is my mind when it is anchored && docked to my worries.
Starbucks is closed,I need to get away now.
When i think my mind has reached its limit,it keeps on crawling.
Im impartial to rational logic now it is too late for reasoning.
To tired to think straight is the only thing I am sure of.
I even forgot why I wrote this,

Not sure If i was supposed to write this to save my sorry ass or help you with yours.
point is an empty coffee mug rests bedside.
cigarette put out on my headboard.
it is 5am I am not asleep,life isnt always so polite.

2009-03-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I'd like to tell him,but I know how much they would sit&&fester in his mind.
so I burried them && let them fester in mine.
Im relieved that hearts can't break.
How awful that would be huh.
When morning does it's job,the first thoughts that run threw my mind are;
Im over him,I dont need him or anyone else for that matter.
I suppose I do this HOPING that one day I'll trick myself into truely believing it.

shits&&giigles on msn messenger

2009-03-16T12:08:00.000-07:00

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
yo homie

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

elaine says:
yo homeskillet

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
when i turned off the computer it deleted the new msn

elaine says:
haha that sux

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
yay jonny

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
make it a 3 way

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
i can

JoNNY has been added to the conversation.

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
hey

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
i can

JoNNY says:
?

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
yo yo yo

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
im in class!!

elaine says:
hahha

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
where r u

elaine says:
wow

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
awesosme!!!!!

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
gawd im awesome

elaine says:
yes u arer

JoNNY says:
elaine promised 2 blow me 2morrow

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
really

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
kool

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
im after jonny elaine

elaine says:
oh wow i guess i did

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

JoNNY says:
no im the only 1 4 a week

elaine says:
nope blakey is

elaine says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lool

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
yeah

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
i agree

JoNNY says:
oh no dick 4 u then

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
blake is

elaine says:
sexy

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
nooo

elaine says:
lmao

elaine says:
eww

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
grrr

elaine says:
blakey

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
thats not fair

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
ohhh well

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
blakes is better

JoNNY says:
blakes hair sux

elaine says:
in bed

elaine says:
omg

JoNNY says:
so he has no dick

elaine says:
you just said my hair sux

JoNNY says:
no cuz ur short

elaine says:
lol

elaine says:
so is he

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
hes like ma height

JoNNY says:
so but shes a she

elaine says:
hahahhahah

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
is someone jealous

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

JoNNY says:
girls r supposed 2 b short

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
no

elaine says:
hahahah well hes like 5'9

elaine says:
so hes not that short

JoNNY says:
thats not short

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
i kno

elaine says:
fer a guy it isa

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
no its not

elaine says:
thats my dads height

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
its like normal

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
my dads 6,4

elaine says:
idk he looks shprt tho

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

JoNNY says:
so ur saying im short?

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
yepp

elaine says:
lmao

JoNNY says:
well im average 4 a mexican

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lmfao

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
baahhaa

elaine says:
nopwe blakey looks short cuz hes sooo thin

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
your a mexi melt

elaine says:
so is blake&&meh

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
your not mex

elaine says:
not too original haha

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol brb

elaine says:
anymore

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
ok

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
close call

elaine says:
haha

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
almost got caught

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
imma get in trouble one day

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

elaine says:
hahahha that will suck

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
ohh well i only got 2 weeks

elaine says:
bahhahahahahha

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
then whogives a fuk

JoNNY says:
anywayz i to a huge dump yesterday

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
kool

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
did it sink

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
stink

JoNNY says:
alot

elaine says:
hahah sink hahahahh!!!!!

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
i laughed too

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
shit

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
brb

elaine says:
she sux fer leaving

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
really

JoNNY says:
yeah

elaine says:
dude does ur friend raul think we are actually going out

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
whats the 22 amendment

elaine says:
the president can serve only 4 years

JoNNY says:
wrong

elaine says:
what how

JoNNY says:
cuz every president can serve 2 terms

elaine says:
wekll only 2 terms

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
thank u both

elaine says:
well yeah

JoNNY says:
a president can serve max 10 years

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
8

JoNNY says:
no 10

JoNNY says:
if hes vice

JoNNY says:
nd the president dies

JoNNY says:
now hes president

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
that doesnt count

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
anywayz

JoNNY says:
as long as its 2 years or less it wont count as a term
elaine says:
kinda does count actually

JoNNY says:
yeah it does count cuz hes president

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
well not 4 this question

JoNNY says:
u didnt say it was a question

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

elaine says:
ok lets change the subject

elaine says:
blakey is sexy so is cristina

JoNNY says:
no!

elaine says:
huh cris

JoNNY says:
gah

JoNNY says:
2 late

elaine says:
bahahhaha

JoNNY says:
yesterday

JoNNY says:
september 7th

JoNNY says:
1941

JoNNY says:
a day that will live in imfamy

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
umm blake is a sexy mofo

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
and sois elaine

elaine says:
bahah infamy?

JoNNY says:
idk

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
but so is jonny

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:

JoNNY says:
hav 2 agree with that 1

elaine says:
im gonna die infamous

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
everyone does

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
cause its a fact

elaine says:
fer bwing a sexy mofo

JoNNY says:
no ur gunna die un-famous

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

elaine says:
nope infamous

elaine says:
im talented

JoNNY says: -
ope

elaine says:
kinda....

JoNNY says:
tru

elaine says:
lmao

JoNNY says:
u giv great head

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
i like the song give me anything by the maine

JoNNY says:
especially while sleeping

elaine says:
lol yeah i do

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
e is

elaine says:
yez i am

elaine says:
lmao

elaine says:
kind of....

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
lol

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
i like it when ur drunk whild u give head jonny

JoNNY says:
cris

JoNNY says:
4 the last time

JoNNY says:
u dnt hav a dick

JoNNY says:
u never had

JoNNY says:
u never will

elaine says:
dont test medical science

elaine says:
hah.

JoNNY says:
she wont go through it

JoNNY says:
well i take that last part back

JoNNY says:
she weird she might go through it

elaine says:
bahahhah!

JoNNY says:
well my mohawk is gone

elaine says:
no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JoNNY says:
not really

JoNNY says:
but still

elaine says:
oh good

JoNNY says:
its jst tied back

JoNNY says:
hiding

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
omg

SiRcRiSaLiSs says:
i almost shit mylf

JoNNY says:
u always do

2009-02-19T16:56:00.000-08:00

I think I finally found the devine antidote to life.
this is probably the closest ive came to a sustained happiness with also having to let go of certain posessions whether it may be a human or something of the material sort.
tangible.
“I should warn you I go to sleep, I know you don't know what I mean yet, I get upset or happy, I go to sleep nothing hurts when I go to sleep but I'm not tired I'm not tired...”
-ben folds five
that used to be me every single day
when morning did its job the first thing that would run through my mind was when the hell was i going to be able to sleep again.

Has anyone seen my will to live, because I seem to have lost it.

fighting concordance;

2009-02-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

So many times I've ranted about the insufficient pseudo progress we claim to embrace as purpose.
How those who oppose majority standards are portrayed as "scum" simply because majority was raised to deliver obedience to society,which already suffers from eroding foundations.
Laced with nothing but pre-processed ignorance.
Those sentimentalities that land you closest to reality can't be accounted for through the material field.
THERE ARE MANY CRACKS IN THIS FACADE.

best fwiends

2009-01-29T23:13:00.000-08:00

this isn't a typical blog post for me ha.
But here it goes I have a couple of best fwiends the first one is cristina she is my beezie for life haha.
It's kind of going to be hard to try and fit everything that I love about cristina in this one blog.
Okay well first off she has been obsessed with green day for just about her whole friggin life&&we both decided when we were like 4 that she WILL meet green day and if not I will be forced into kidnapping the band so i suppose....regardless...she'll meet them, ha.
Lets see we get ourselves into perpetual mischief and we have oh too many of those moments where we A: are thinking the same thing or B: finishing eachothers sentences
I know well never "outgrow" eachother we'll be those weird 90 something year olds that live together and shop for diapers together at target :))
I love the fact that this girl puts up with alll these ridiculous nicknames I brand on her.
She has more sarcasim in her fingertips then i have in my entire body.
She has remained steadfast with who she is and I love that about her because no matter who you think you are she's going to act like herself and blurt out everything that pops into her mind (ha,sometimes the results are catasrophic)
It's hard to say what makes a person truley happy but I found that in her(as "cheezy" as that sounds)
and when i think about it in some ways Cristina saves me on a daily basis,whether its as simple as a joke or her talking me out of doing something reallyyy stupid Or just being herself.
I dont belive in much but i do thoroughly believe that she is different than 99.9999999999% of people in the world so I'm pretty much content to sit here and bask in the heat of her awesomeness.
oooohhh this is very besides the point but I must say that she has mastered the art of making grilled cheese :))
ha okay now to get back to what i was talking about.
oh yeah and I am in love with her doctrine "LIVE FREAKY DIE FREAKY"(those words will be engraved on her tomb)
I love her unconditionally.

now jonny,man where do i start.
He's soo awesome and he loves chicken apparently,ha.
I'm alwayz going to remember him as the kid with the huge mohawk.
I could literally sit and talk to him for hours about the most pointless things and I love it I also love that I feel like I could call him at any point and he would be ready and willing to talk to me.
I haven't known him for that long but it feels like I've known him forever thats how I know he's going to be a long term friend.
Ha, poor kids stuck with me now.
We have an agreement that if we aren't married by the time we're in our 40's we're going to have a nudest wedding on the beach and our honey moon will take place in space.
Oh yeah and I love the fact that me/him/cristina can all fit COMFORTABLY on a twin sized matteras ever since that discovery its been decided that we're all going to move in together :)

haha ahh lyric.
she's one of the newest editions but I love that girl to death already.
she and cristina make me feel normal.
I love her because when you think you've gone to far she takes it a step further ha.
Shee doesn't ALWAYS approve of my music but it's okay cuz we can both agree that joy division is an amazing 80's band.
YES LYRIC 80'S BAND,HA.
If it was like 3am && she felt like hanging out I'd be out in a heart beat haha ready and willing to do anything ;)
haha yeah me/her/cristina decided we're "gay above the belt".
I had so much more to say about her but it's 2 am and my brain is starting to give out on me haha need coffee....
well I'll come back and revise this post anyway..point is lyric is one of the few people that is cooler than me and I love her :))

We are a diverse family,ha.

when it isn't like it should be.

2009-01-05T20:12:00.000-08:00

My dream of heaven is always the same.
The cursing and the unhinged drinking I thought for sure would keep me firmly rooted below,but there I was,WEIGHTLESS,but not.
A sense of OVERWHELMING peace washed over my face it was as if the world had become my soul mate.
I feel the chill.
My heart slams awake.
I NEED him.
like i need medicine to give me the will to rise into the uncertainties of another dragged on day.
There was no guarantees I'd be coming back feeling alive.
"Ellie there's No way you should be walking.",
somehow in that stupor of cheep vodka I was STILL walking towards him.
He felt so fucking unreachable.
He had been for too long now,I knew this,but I dragged on,
No matter how much I lost,how much I cried.
The charred fist that is now my liver is vindication of how much i tried to forget.
I would walk on in the dark.
The puddle soaking in through my shoe was letting me know EXACTLY where I was.
"FUCK.",
Drop to my knees.
"What the fuck did you do to me!",
Man, I could've cried til' my lungs collapsed,
"Let me push this gravel into my knee deeper...."
I wanted to feel.
I needed to feel.
"ellie!"
I keep walking.
Oh, Lord if I could reach out and show you how this truly felt.
"I love him.",seeped from my lips like fucking word vomit......
I could choke on those same 3 words a million times and not learn my Gawd damn lesson.
My journal is blood in ink.
My blood is ink.
My heart is stone.

should I inject you in my veins?
would it be easier that way?
maybe then you'd stay.

wreckage.

2009-01-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

The only problem is, that to grasp that opportunity, you sacrifice everything in the process. PROGRESS NOWHERE. Now I am that over nourished drone wasp cut off from the queen and lost in a land of spiders. These spiders fend for themselves, and i just might lose my life because of it. I can already feel my guts being liquefied. STOP THINKING THIS WAY. I will become a spider. I will become the destroyer. The queen has abandoned me, so i will become her enemy. I will tear down every statue of her, wreck every piece of her property. I will cripple her idolaters. CLARITY IS A WONDERFUL THING.

So take that, sir, for you clearly are the true revolutionary, and shove it up your ass.

I die having sunk lower, laughed harder, and fucked better than you ever could have.

I wasn't surrounding myself with Pseudo Guevara ideals.

I was living.

double N

2009-01-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

I've got a secret(it's got you spilled all over it)

it was on my tongue but I let it slither down to the very back of my lungs.

My mind is a collection of angry monologues,broken blood vessels, and useless comebacks.
I'm in a doldrum state, I'm stuck. CONFINED. to my own mind I have nothing to offer.. you besides my own headaches and confusion
its hard to say what satisfies a person,but damn you feel close...
As sick as I sound.. (and you better believe I am) I want you to stay as lonely as I stay
cuz "I want you" is just too short.. of what I'm feeling Something I see in you makes my head blur,makes my heart stir,you leave me immobilized.
life and love should come hand in hand right..?
then why does love insist on being less diligent.
I NEVER. said "out of your league" was going to keep me out of the ball park.I feel myself deserving of a fresh start.

HELL OR GLORY.

there is never an inbetween.

but chances are you'll leave me immobilized at best.

these feelings usually wear off by now.
huh.
have to see the doctor about that, i believe?

good luck glory.